Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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