Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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