Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
