I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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