The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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