He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I looked at my own cervix.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
