I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
