He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
