Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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