he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
