My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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