Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
