Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We left the knife in your bed.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm always down for nudity.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize