he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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