Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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