You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
