well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
