You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
