Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
