saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
