So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
