My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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