If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
