so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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