how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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