I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
