it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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