Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
