nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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