We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
