I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
