Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
