Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
