its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
