If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
