while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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