I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
