i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
