Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
