I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
