I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
