sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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