I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
