nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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