Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize