"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
