I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
