Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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