Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
