According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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