I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
