First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
No subtext here. People are naked.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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