I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize