Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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