i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
