Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How does one acquire holy water?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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