if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
