In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
