508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
